I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER NOT EVEN JOKING. LIKE OVER LEGIT! HELP?

Question

Aright so you might think I am a immature 18 year old. Yes maybe I am? Maybe you guys have all been through this before! Good on ya! Now help me because I have never been so stuck before.

I wouldn't say I am depressed as I seem happy around people but I have suicidal thoughts for the past year now and I have self harmed quite a bit too and it's only getting worse. I am drinking a lot, i think i'm turning into an alcoholic!
My job stopped giving me shifts. I completed high school & i was never smart in school. I went to uni and dropped out cause I hated it. I had my first day today at another college and I hated it!
I can't study! I hate work! I have no motivation to get a certificate/diploma/degree!!!
I so badly want one! Obviously not badly enough to complete the courses..... I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I CANT STRESS HOW MUCH I HATE IT. I hate studying with the passion! I have no passion in my life =[ But i passionately hate studying and doing assignments. It's a MAJOR STRUGGLE for me!

I have applied for SOOOOOOOOOOO MANY JOBS!!!!! im not even joking i've applied for 50!!!!!!! Not even ******* mcdonalds is getting back to me!
I have always has anxiety... The past few months i've just trapped myself comfortably in my room on my laptop... Today i went to my college & the anxiety was the worst i have ever had it! All day I was in so much pain! I think my stomach is really really injured! It was that bad! I feel awful!
The anxiety was that bad that im struggling to drink my alcohol tonight! haha

But here is another problem! I dedicated so much time to a website that I got banned off and 4 years of my time on there is now gone. I spent so much time on there & then poof! nothing! I feel like apart of me has been taken away. Almost like a life. Kinda like loosing a child. I have lost my child life. Its gone! taked away from me! I mourn!!!!!!! The reason I am so upset about this is because I was framed and the ban was 100% unfair and the stupid creator is a ******* dick head & should probably kill himself.

Anyways I have DEEP DEEP DEEP monomaniac thoughts about life/religion/space

you know..... life's mystery questions.... the way society functions... human people! All that ****** up **** i unintentionally dwell on.
It's making me suicidal! I want to kill myself!!!! But at the end of the day im still alive! Im to scared to die! i think one day it might get better. I want to stop self harming before i get ******* bad scars!
(I already do but they probably wont last a life time)
urgh!
1. i cant study?????
2. no one will hire me???? I have no money!
3. Apart of me has literately been stolen and taken away from me ='[
4. Monomaniac thoughts are making me suicidal/depressed/self harming.

Yet the funny thing is I know things are wrong! But I refuse to seek help! I wont tell anyone about this! Even if i told my friends or family, i would only tell them probably a quater of all this!
I refuse to talk to professionals! I DONT KNOW WHY!!!??? I just got bad feelings about them! They will make my life hell! I will want to stab them and shoot them with guns! I just know it!

I just feel like I can get through this eventually....... But i have been saying that for over a year now =/

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME

AND I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING U GUYS CAN DO!!!! I JUST NEEDED TO WRITE IT OUT

OMG IM GOING TO CRY NOW!!!!!!!!!

PRAY A MIRACLE FOR ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

The fact that you are seeking help is a positive start and implies there is hope. But you must always think positively. Develop goodfriendships and work very hard at what you like doing best AND pray!

Answer 2

The really great thing about declaring you've hit "bottom" is that you don't have much farther to go.

Goal setting is key. Ask, "what do I want?" Then, when you have an answer, take conscious directed steops to achieve your goal. Start small, with a pizza or something. Then make it harder as you practice.



No, it's not military service that's going to help, and it's not jesus who's going to save you. Personal responsibility is the only thing I know that can help you turn your life around. It ain't easy. Better start today.

Answer 3

God, if you were my real friend and confessed all of this infront of me I want to shake you and tell you it's not over! IT'S NOT Stop thinking that and calm down and listen.



No matter how crazy this might sound like now, but life for you in reality is abundant. YOUR LIFE IS ABUNDANT



Before everything else believe that everything starts in the mind.



Whatever you feed your mind EVERYDAY "I want to die" "I want to drink" even if you're saying you don't want to drink but the bottle appears and reappears over and over in your head you are still feeding your mind with things that aren't suppose to be there. What are you viewing on the internet? is it alligned to what you want to become? DREAM to become?



I believe every person is made for a PURPOSE. Everybody does not have the same likes, everyone does not want the same things, and that is how our successes are defined. I'm saying to you that life is abundant because, believe it or not, there are so many things that you are not thankful about, and you're not seeing it because everyday you feed your mind with things that aren't suppose to be there.



Try this, and don't complain just do it. Write down things you are thankful about write it like you really mean it, READ IT LIKE YOU REALLY MEAN IT "I am grateful for the gift of life. I might not have everything but I am ALIVE Not everyone got as far as I had, people who had the same dreams as I had never made it this far, and the fact that I am where I am, is an underspreciated accomplishment. Thank you that I have a family, whether it's a father and a mother or a mother only or a father only, or a sister or a brother or even just a friend, I am part of a certain family I don't find time to thank everyday about. People are suffering in hospital beds right now wishing they still had another shot at life, children born and raised in a war zone and they simply can't live a simple life even if they wanted to, like I do simply because their geography denies them that, beggars dying on the streets or neglected everyday was not even granted half the chance that I have, children who lost their parents early never had the priviledge that I had with mine, elementary students who were denied an experience in highschool, children who feel like they were born by mistake by their prostitute mothers, kids who never knew their, fathers, people who never knew what working felt like, people who dies in battles they never really wanted to be part of."



See? the list goes on "Thank you that I am able to eat everyday, thank you that even if I don't have enough money I still have money and I have time to plan about how I should spend it wisely. Thank you that I have enough money to avail a computer either rental or actually owning one, thank you that I am computer literate, thank you that even if I applied to many jobs and got denied many times I did not give up on half way through that and there's no point stopping here either."



Listen to TD Jakes on youtube, watch inspiring movies, Pursuit of Happiness? One thing we are very luck to have not all past generations had is technology. See imagine having all these problems no support from anyone, atleast from strangers here we all share one things it's that we are capable of dreaming, and when we dream we eventually have setbacks, problems but we are also capable of fixing them. You can do it just as much as any other person who had problems faced them and fixed them, the internet is a very good resource if we know where to look. Stay away from things that you do not want associated with you. Good luck! :)

Answer 4

"Hey" this world is yours to keep .why would you want to throw it away . See the ground under your feet . it is sometimes soft so yo can dig in and see the things you have not seen in all your life . Gold silver and all that is money and plants and trees all grow from there because it is theirs to keep and it is yours too take it and find what you need from it . Say don't die today, stay till tomorrow call it another day and you will know why you should not have died yesterday.

Answer 5

Look into the Army, there's sooo many jobs they can offer you from a combat soldier to a helicopter Pilate to an engineer to a bricklayer! check it out. NEVER commit suicide! 'For it is not only is it about the people you've left behind, but is about the people you're going to meet.'