"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
- Road sign on US 27
"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok..
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal *** all over town.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat jellybean fart in Technicolor.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door..
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.
"A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain." .
"You never test the depth of a river with both feet."
"Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand."
"The believer is happy. The doubter is wise."
It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato—the best part of him is underground.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.
A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.
He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.
Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Without vision, we are blind to opportunity.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Friendship is what binds the world together in peace, may we all become friends.
It matters not what you do, as long as you are the best one doing it.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
It's a great satisfaction knowing that for a brief point in time you made a difference.
In golf as in life it is the follow through that makes the difference.
The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
It is only those who never do anything who never make mistakes.
Wise men learn by other men's mistakes, fools by their own.
Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction.
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Silence is one of the most effective forms of communication.
You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
Patience will come to those who wait for it.
Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.
May today be better than yesterday, but, not as good as tomorrow.
"If you choose not to decide - you still have made a choice".
The best way to predict the future is to invent it!
No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.
A friend is someone who doesn't like the same people you do.
The more beautiful the snake the deadlier its venom.
If you want your eggs hatched, sit on them yourself.
The nail that sticks up will be hammered down.
Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.
Question Authority and the Authorities will question You.
A company is known by the people it keeps.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When you're ready for them.
2. When you're not ready for them..
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush.
A broken hand works, but not a broken heart.
A cat has nine lives..
A closed mouth catches no flies.
A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.
A courtyard common to all will be swept by none.
A dog is wiser than a woman; it does not bark at its master.
A drink precedes a story.
A drowning man is not troubled by rain.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
A forest is in an acorn
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
A friend's eye is a good mirror.
A good denial, the best point in law.
A good husband is healthy and absent.
A hard beginning maketh a good ending.
A healthy man is a successful man.
A hedge between keeps friendship green.
A hen is heavy when carried far.
A hound's food is in its legs.
A house without a dog or a cat is the house of a scoundrel.
A hungry man is an angry man.
A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on.
A little too late, is much too late.
A loan though old is not gift.
A lock is better than suspicion.
A man does not seek his luck, luck seeks its man.
A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
A man may well bring a horse to the water, but he cannot make him drink.
A man should live if only to satisfy his curiosity.
A monkey never thinks her baby's ugly.
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows all the corners.
A penny for your thoughts.
A penny saved is a penny gained.
A poor beauty finds more lovers than husbands.
A prudent man does not make the goat his gardener.
A rumor goes in one ear and out many mouths.
A silent mouth is melodious.
A single Russian hair outweighs half a Pole.
A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.
A son is a son till he gets him a wife,
But a daughter's a daughter the rest of your life.
A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
A table is not blessed if it has fed no scholars.
A teacher is better than two books.
A thief believes everybody steals.
A thorn defends the rose, harming only those who would steal the blossom.
A throne is only a bench covered with velvet.
A trade not properly learned is an enemy.
A tree falls the way it leans.
A white Christmas fills the churchyard.
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion.
A woman has the form of an angel, the heart of a serpent, and the mind of an ***.
Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
Advice should be viewed from behind.
Advice when most needed is least heeded.
After shaking hands with a Greek, count your fingers.
Age is honorable and youth is noble.
All is well that ends well.
All things grow with time, except grief.
An angry man is not fit to pray.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
An *** in Germany is a professor in Rome.
An enemy will agree, but a friend will argue.
An Englishman will burn his bed to catch a flea.
Anger can be an expensive luxury.
Anger is as a stone cast into a wasp's nest.
Anger without power is folly.
Appetite comes with eating.
As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
As proud as a peacock.
As sluttish and slatternly as an Irishwoman bred in France.
As the best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, the truest lover may turn into the worst enemy.
As the big hound is, so will the pup be.
As we live, so we learn.
Be neither intimate nor distant with the clergy.
Beggars shouldn't be choosers.
Better give a penny then lend twenty.
Better late than never.
Better no doctor at all than three.
Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
Better wear out shoes than sheets.
Beware of a silent dog and still water.
Black as hell, strong as death, sweet as love. (About coffee.).
Blood is thicker than water.
Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die.
Butter would not melt in her mouth.
Children are poor men's riches.
Children should be seen and not heard.
Children suck the mother when they are young and the father when they are old.
Choose neither a woman nor linen by candlelight.
Climb mountains to see lowlands.
Clouds gather before a storm.
Commit a sin twice and it will not seem a crime.
Curiosity killed the cat.
Darkness reigns at the foot of the lighthouse.
Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
Death always comes too early or too late.
Death closes all doors.
Death pays all debts.
Do not be born good or handsome, but be born lucky.
Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank him for not having given it wings.
Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
Do not rejoice at my grief, for when mine is old, yours will be new.
Do not speak of secrets in a field that is full of little hills.
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Don't imitate the fly before you have wings.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth..
Eat well, drink in moderation, and sleep sound, in these three good health abound.
Even a small thorn causes festering.
Every *** loves to hear himself bray.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Every dog hath its day.
Every garden may have some weeds.
Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven.
Everyone loves justice in the affairs of another.
Everyone pushes a falling fence.
Evil enters like a needle and spreads like an oak tree.
Evil is sooner believed than good.
Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.
Fame is a magnifying glass.
Feather by feather the goose can be plucked.
Fine feathers make fine birds.
Flattery makes friends and truth makes enemies.
Fortune is a woman; if you neglect her today do not expect to regain her tomorrow.
Fortune is blind, but not invisible.
Friends are like fiddle strings, they must not be screwed too tight.
Friends are lost by calling often and calling seldom.
Friendship is a furrow in the sand.
Give neither counsel nor salt till you are asked for it.
Give the devil his due.
Glutton: one who digs his grave with his teeth.
God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.
God gives the nuts, but he doesn't crack them.
God heals, and the physician takes the fee.
God help the rich man, let the poor man beg!.
Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat.
Good advice is often annoying, bad advice never.
Good as drink is, it ends in thirst.
Good luck beats early rising.
Gray hairs are death's blossoms.
Half a loaf is better than none.
Haste makes waste.
Have a horse of your own and then you may borrow another's.
He is not wise that is not wise for himself.
He lied like an eyewitness.
He makes his home where the living is best.
He that can't endure the bad will not live to see the good.
He that is born to be hanged shall never be drowned.
He that is rich will not be called a fool.
He that lives on hope will die fasting.
He that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent.
He that marries for money will earn it.
He that plants thorns must never expect to gather roses.
He that seeks trouble never misses.
He that spareth his rod hateth his son.
He that winna be ruled by the rudder maun be ruled by the rock.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
He who cannot agree with his enemies is controlled by them.
He who comes with a story to you brings two away from you.
He who could foresee affairs three days in advance would be rich for thousands of years.
He who does not know one thing knows another.
He who gets a name for early rising can stay in bed until midday.
He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.
He who has once burnt his mouth always blows his soup.
He who holds the ladder is as bad as the thief.
He who knows nothing, doubts nothing.
He who leaps high must take a long run.
He who rides a tiger is afraid to dismount.
He who serves two masters has to lie to one.
He who sups with the devil has need of a long spoon.
He who would climb the ladder must begin at the bottom.
He who would eat in Spain must bring his kitchen along.
He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.
Heaven lent you a soul Earth will lend a grave.
Honesty is the best policy.
How many will listen to the truth when you tell them.
Hygiene is two thirds of health.
If a man be great, even his dog will wear a proud look.
If a man deceives me once, shame on him; if he deceives me twice, shame on me.
If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.
If rich people could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
If the patient dies, the doctor has killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him.
It's an ill wind that blows no good.
It's not a matter of upper and lower class but of being up a while and down a while.
Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.
Keep a thing for seven years and you'll find a use for it.
Kill not the goose that lays the golden eggs.
Lack of resource has hanged many a person.
Last ship, best ship.
Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one.
Lend your money and lose your friend.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Let your heart guide your head in evil matters.
Life is a bridge. Cross over it, but build no house on it.
Life without a friend is death without a witness.
Like a fish out of water.
Like a lame man's legs that hang limp is a proverb in the mouth of a fool.
Listen to the sound of the river and you will get a trout.
Little pitchers have big ears.
Live with wolves, and you learn to howl.
Look before you leap.
Look down if you would know how high you stand.
Love enters a man through his eyes, woman through her ears.
Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.
Love me, love my dog.
Love your neighbors, but don't pull down the fence.
Love, pain, and money cannot be kept secret; they soon betray themselves.
Luck has a slender anchorage.
Mad as a march hare.
Make hay while the sun shines.
Mankind fears an evil man but heaven does not.
Many a friend was lost through a joke, but none was ever gained so.
Many hands make light work.
May as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.
May you have a bright future - as the chimney sweep said to his son.
May you wander over the face of the earth forever, never sleep twice in the same bed, never drink water twice from the same well, and never cross the same river twice in a year.
May your every wish be granted.
May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.
Men count up the faults of those who keep them waiting.
Mere words do not feed the friars.
More grows in the garden than the gardener knows he has sown.
More things belong to marriage than four bare legs in a bed.
Nature breaks through the eyes of the cat.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
Necessity knows no law.
Necessity never made a good bargain.
Need teaches a plan.
Never love with all your heart, it only ends in breaking.
Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper.
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done today.
Night is the mother of council.
No man limps because another is hurt.
No man ought to look a given horse in the mouth.
No rose without a thorn, or a love without a rival.
No time like the present.
Not the cry, but the flight of the wild duck, leads the flock to fly and follow.
Not wine...men intoxicate themselves; Not vice...men entice themselves.
Nothing dries sooner than tears.
Nothing is as burdensome as a secret.
Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
One beggar at the door is enough.
One cannot shoe a running horse.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One flower will not make a garland.
One generation plants the trees; another gets the shade.
One good turn deserves another.
One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
One of these day is none of these days.
One should go invited to a friend in good fortune, and uninvited in misfortune.
One swallow maketh not a summer.
One woman never praises another.
Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches.
Out of the frying pan into the fire.
It's an ill wind that blows no good.
Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.
Patience is poultice for all wounds.
Patience is the best medicine.
People live in each other's shelter.
Pigs might fly, but they are most unlikely birds.
Politics is a rotten egg; if broken, it stinks.
Poor men seek meat for their stomach, rich men stomach for their meat.
Power lasts ten years; influence not more than a hundred.
Practice makes perfect.
Praise the young and they will blossom.
Public before private and country before family.
Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat.
Quiet people are well able to look after themselves.
Rags to riches to rags.
Roasted pigeons will not fly into one's mouth.
Rome was not built in a day.
Seek counsel of him who makes you weep, and not of him who makes you laugh.
Set a beggar on horseback, and he 'll out ride the Devil.
Set a thief to catch a thief.
Silence was never written down.
Since we cannot get what we like, let us like what we can get.
Sit a beggar at your table and he will soon put his feet on it.
Six hours' sleep for a man, seven for a woman and eight for a fool.
Small children give you headache; big children heartache.
Some people are masters of money, and some its slaves.
Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the time
I am being carried on great wings across the sky.
Sorrow for a husband is like a pain in the elbow, sharp and short.
Speak not of my debts unless you mean to pay them.
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
Stars are not seen by sunshine.
Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
Sweet is the wine but sour is the payment.
Take heed of enemies reconciled, and of meat twice boiled.
Take thy thoughts to bed with thee, for the morning is wiser than the evening.
Talk of the devil and he is sure to appear.
Tell me who you live with and I will tell you who you are.
Tell the truth and shame the devil.
The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
The best advice is found on the pillow.
The best thing about a man is his dog.
The big thieves hang the little ones.
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I'll walk carefully.
The comforter's head never aches.
The darkest hour is that before the dawn.
The day will come when the cow will have use for her tail.
The devil looks after his own.
The devil seduced Eve in Italian. Eve mislead Adam in Bohemian. The Lord scolded them both in German. Then the angel drove them from paradise in Hungarian.
The girl who can't dance says the band can't play.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
The hole is more honorable than the patch.
The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law.
The light heart lives long.
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
The moon is made of a green cheese.
The more the merrier.
The morning is wiser than the evening.
The night rinses what the day has soaped.
The only good thing that comes from the east is the sun.
The palest ink is better than the best memory.
The pine stays green in winter...Wisdom in hardship.
The raggy colt often made a powerful horse..
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
The right man comes at the right time.
The road to a friend's house is never long.
The sea has an enormous thirst and an insatiable appetite.
The silent dog is the first to bite.
The smallest thing outlives the human being.
The sun will set without thy assistance.
The surest way to remain poor is to be an honest man.
The tongue is more to be feared than the sword.
When you live next to the cemetery you cannot weep for everyone.
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.
When your enemy falls, don't rejoice -- but don't pick him up either.
Where there is love there is pain.
Who begins too much accomplishes little.
Who knows most speaks least.
With foxes we must play the fox.
With money you are a dragon; with no money, a worm.
Without justice, courage is weak.
You cannot unscramble eggs.
You can't hatch chickens from fried eggs.
Rome was not built in a day.
Young wood makes a hot fire.
Your neighbor's apples are the sweetest.
Youth does not mind where it sets its foot.
Youth sheds many a skin. The steed (horse) does not retain its speed forever.
You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
"Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me.".
A person is known by the company he keeps.
A watched pot never boils.
Count you blessings.
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom.
Every man has his price.
Finders keepers, losers weepers.
Good things come to those who wait.
It takes one to know one.
It goes without saying.
History repeats itself.
It's never too late.
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
Let bygones be bygones.
Life begins at forty.
Life's not all beer and skittles.
No rest for the wicked.
Put your best foot forward.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
There's always more fish in the sea.
There's no such thing as bad publicity.
We've arrived, and to prove it we're here.
When the cat's away the mice will play.
Worrying never did anyone any good.
You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Youth is wasted on the young.
"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."
"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."
"Life's an Ocean, Sail It"
Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The problem with the Gene pool is there arn't any lifeguards (hillbillies)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The only reason I am always listening to music is to drownd out the sound of your voice!~
Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.
"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."
"don't drink and drive you might spill your beer"
If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough
Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.
I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.
"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."
I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because everytime i fall in love.....it never seems to last
Silence is silver, but music is gold...
Lifes Tough, get a helmet!
loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty!
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A BLONDE.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
"i'm not tailgating, i'm keeping up with the pace car"
Roadhead cures Roadrage...
Tell your girlfriend I said thanks
" WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless. "
normal people worry me
you say physco like it's a bad thing
those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do
This delinquent is having sex with your honor student.
Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas.
"Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don't let anyone take it away from you ever." ~ Holly Marie Combs
don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all
"my tears for you are like dark chocolate- bitter sweet and probably no good for me."
"it takes a player to shoot a shot.. but it takes a team to win a game " - penny anae
everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE
Anger is one letter short of danger.
One death is one too many.
Life's not all bad. Look into somebody's eyes, you'll see that they're a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams.
If you love somebody, they shouldn't make you cry, they should be worth crying over.
Lots of things change...lots of them don't...but the fact that I love you...that will always stay the same.
"I'm going to live life or die trying"
im sugar and spice and everything nice if u wanna mess with me u better think twice
"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams."
"We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"~unknown
"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."
"You will be aroused by a shampoo comercial."--Homer J. Simpson
If you die, I'll kill you!"
There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day.
Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.
The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
"Find a guy that adores you and not one that you adore!!" MOM
Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don't want them to be
"When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!".
Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless.
Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.
" Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. - Homer J. Simpson.
"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down." –Anonymous
"Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! Your not alive anymore!'"
Roses are red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you.
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle."
"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown
"I'll kill you until you die!!"
"They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush"
"I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!"
"Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus"
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."
"I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states"
"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"!
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!
"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them
"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ***"
I love him, O yes I do,
He's for me, not for you,
And if by chance you take my place,
I'll take my fist and smash your face!
"God made mud, God made dirt, God made guys so girls could flirt!"
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons!
For you are crunchy
And taste good with ketchup
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either
May the smile on your face
Come straight from your heart
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry
Maybe this world is another planet's hell
A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans
Most good judgement comes from experience.
Most experience comes from bad judgement.
You can't cheat an honest man
One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all
Does the noise in my head bother you?
I know a million ways
To always pick the wrong thing to say
I must be an acrobat
To talk like this and act like that
Every rose has its thorn.
Sister Luck is screaming somebody else's name
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe in anyone elser
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams.
"Unus, sed leo!" [One, but a lion!]
- Aisopos (Fabulae 194).
"»Stay« is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
- Bronson Allcott.
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
- Dave Barry.
"Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."
- M. Berle.
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less."
- Nicholas Murray Butler.
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
- W.C. Fields.
"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"
- Douglas Gauck.
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
- J.P. Getty.
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
- Joseph Heller (Catch 22).
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."
- Benny Hill.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
- Kin Hubbard.
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
- Hubert Humphrey.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
- Carl Gustav Jung.
"Don't spend your life as a pretty *****... God will send you back nice and ugly!"
--Fritz
"I had gone searching for the truth, and found facts instead. I hate that."
--Anonymous
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon."
--Sir Humphrey Appleby.
"You'll earn thousands of dollars daily by doing nothing."
--Found on a piece of paper in a Fortune Cookie .
In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots.
--Kaa's Law
"Some people look at jerky and say, 'Why?' I look at jerky and say, 'Mmm! Jerky!'.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
--Steve Wozniak
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income.
(With thanks to John Pettitt and Ed O'Connell)
It happens. Sometimes people just explode. Natural causes.
from Repo Man
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." .
--Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back."
- Abraham Lincoln.
"640k ought to be enough for anybody." .
-- Bill Gates in 1981
Go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger!
"A person knows he has found his true love when they call that person and say: Honey, I just killed someone. And that persons response is: where do we hide the body?"
~"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life.
Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
If you need space join NASA baby
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts -- Tre Cool of Green Day
If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color!
I am nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then..
The best thing about Alzheimer’s is : You can hide your own Easter eggs. - Gramps
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. HOWEVER...the roses are dead, the violets are wilting, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head.
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT
Why can't I attract men like crazy, Instead of crazy men
"Beer, getting ugly people laid since 1700"
If you want breakfast in bed.........sleep in the kitchen
No matter what road we take we'll always end up in the same place.
"I hear voices, and they don't like you"
"Buy me another drink, because your still ugly"
"I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me there."
"It's not attention deficit disorder, I'm not just not listening to you."
Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but teach him how and he'll sit on his
*** staring at the fishing pole trying to decide what to do
Cancel my subscription cause I don’t need your issues
As you slide down the banister of life, may your *** collect many splinters
"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it makes you walk funny." ~ Katherine Carpenter
I wish I were a little kid again. Skinned Knees are easier to heal than broken hearts!!!
God made the sea
god made the ocean
God needed a goddess
so he made me!!
Giant oaks DO grow from little acorns. But first you must have an acorn.
Silence is Golden, but shouting is fun.
When your a fat little kid, there are no more see-saws...only catapults
The World Is Full Of Asses Your Just The Biggest
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
"If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"
"Life is a role of toilet paper; long and useful"
The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver is this: A bad golfer goes **WHACK** DANG! A bad skydiver goes DANG! **WHACK**"
"I love humanity. It's people I can't stand."
"Anybody here who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
All my hard work has boiled down to two things "May I take your order" and "Would you like fries with that"
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men...
ate scrambled eggs for 2 weeks
Born in heaven, raised in hell
A heart is not a plaything
A heart is not a toy
But if u want it broken
Just give it to a boy
Beauty is just a light switch away!
Auntie ‘Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, taking the dog ~Dorothy
"I am not short, I just don't have to bend down as far"
I have the body of a god... unfortunately its Buddha -Abigail Silverman-
"Time flies like an arrow, while fruit flies like a banana."
If you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it
the way it is. - Xander in the movie XXX
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"]
... I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You dropped your nametag!".
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
You must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say...
"I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on
the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.
All this could be yours for one low, low price!
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Are my undies showing? Answer: "No." You: "Would you like them to?
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.
Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?
Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.
Are you Natasha, my contact?
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day
long.
Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight?
Aren't you the tiger on the Frosted Flakes box? Cuz you look "Grrrreat!"
As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!
Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM,
thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met
you."
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print
Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love.
Be unique and different, say yes.
Before you run, I am not a freak.
Beww BEWWW Beww (What?) That is the sound of the ambulance coming to pick me
up because when I saw you my heart stopped!
By the way the light is hitting your eyes, I can see myself in them, and
damn, I look good!.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I
just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I flirt with you?
Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do
exist
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
Champaign can be tickly, and so can I.
(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when
you took it away (open palm while saying this).
Coffee? Tea? Me?
Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
Compared to you, the sun feels cold.
Could you do me a favor and tell your boyfriend he's a lucky man?
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're
lookin' mmm... mmm... good!
Did you hear the latest health report? You need to up your daily intake of
vitamin me.
Didn't I pick you up in the grocery store? 'Cause you're hot like salsa
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.
Do you eat lots of Lucky Charms? Because you look magically delicious.
Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?(if yes: Want another one?)
Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
Do you have a sunburn baby, or are you always this hot?
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
Do you have room in your life for another friend?
Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.
Do you like anyone else in here? Well, I guess you are stuck with me.
Do you like music? (Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo system at home!
Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
Do you remember Crayola Crayons? They used to have this color...Blizzard
Blue. It was my favorite color and I could never figure out why. But I just
realized why, your eyes...Blizzard Blue.
Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
Does beauty run in your family?
Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?
Does my breath smell okay?
Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.
Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!
Don't you know me from somewhere?
Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent
Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"
Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.
Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
Excuse me, but do you have tickets? (Tickets for what?) (Points to arm and flex) To the gun show!
Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
Excuse me, but I may be lost... Can you give me directions to wherever you're going?
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
Excuse me, but weren't we blissfully married in a past life?
Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP. (If she laughs, she's yours; if she looks at you funny, apologize.)
Excuse me, do I need to buy a ticket for your fantastic voyage?
Excuse me, do you have change for a $100 bill?
Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.
Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?
Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face for my dreams.
Excuse me... do you speak Klingon?
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Giant polar bear (What?) It broke the ice.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
Girl: I may not be Mya but my love is like whoa
Go up to the person and ask for their hand. Draw a line across it and explain that it"s a big river, and the bunny on this side (it doesn"t matter which side) really needs to get to the other side. Then tell the person how they think that bunny got across. And when they finally give up, give them puppy eyes and tell them that there was no bunny, but that you just wanted to hold their hand. (Awwwwww)
God must have been in a very good mood the day we met.
Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?
If a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would be empty.
If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches.
If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.
If I could be anything I'd be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die at your lips.
If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.
If I could reach out and hold a star for every time you've made me smile,
I'd hold the sky in the palm of my hand.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
If I had a nickel for every time I've seen a woman as beautiful as you, I'd have 5 cents.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
If I were to borrow your glasses, could I see you home?
If it weren't for that DAMNED sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created.
If nostalgia was white and passion was black, my love for you would be a
little chessboard
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
If water were beauty you'd be the ocean.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]." How did you know my name? "Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".
If you were a library book, I would check you out.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I'd pour all my love onto you.
I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?
I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?
I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?
I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.
I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.
I'm wearing Revlon colourstay lipstick, want to help me test the claim it
won't kiss off?
Inheriting twenty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak
heart.
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.
Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!
Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they
say "yes."]
Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get
It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.
It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.
It's always good for you to see me again.
It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? [Is it really your birthday?]
No, but how about a kiss anyway?
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
I've been noticing you not noticing me.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
Just where do those legs of yours end?
Know what I like best about you baby? You haven't maced me yet.
Let's make like a Fabric softener and Snuggle
Let's make out so I can see if you taste as good as you look.
Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.
Like the sheets on your bed I want cover you with love.
Listen to this: my buddies over there said that I wouldn't be able to start
a conversation with the most beautiful boy/girl in the bar. Wanna buy some
drinks with some of their money?
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?", say
"Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
Man, you sure are bright girl! Were you raised by the stars?
Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank
you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in
those pants!"
Man: excuse me did you just feel my ***? Girl: no you: why not?
Man:"Girl, you are so rude!" Girl:"How am I being rude?" Man:"Because you're
looking so fine and not telling me you're name."
Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a
footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
Miss, you made my heart stop...
My leech would like you as a new host.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
My lips are registered weapons. Can I invade your personal space?
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic
personality.
Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!
Oh my god, I thought I was gay... then I met you.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Ok, I'm here, what do you want for your next wish?
Oooh, you're lookin' fine. Not in the good way, in the "you'll do" way.
(Open and close wallet quickly) Here's my "Fine Arts Connoisseur" diploma.
You sure are a masterpiece.
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
(Person walks in, and you say:) And out of nowhere comes the sunshine!
Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You
dropped your nametag!".
Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Please don't go or else I will have to make a report to the cops....u stole
my heart
Pull my finger.
Really like your peaches and I wanna shake your tree.
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
Smile if you want me!.
So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to
stalk you?
So, what do you like to do for fun? (Why?) 'Cause I'm gonna ask you out.
So, you're a girl huh?
Somebody needs to write explosive on you, cuz your the bomb!
Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?
Speak of the devil....or should I say "Angel"?
Stop, Drop, and Roll baby 'cause you're on fire!
Take a chance on me.
(Talk to her) Did I ever tell you you're my hero? You're everything I wish I
could be? (Start Singing) I can fly higher than an eagle! (talking) Because
(her name) you are the wind beneath my wings.
That's a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that's a nice dress. [Again, thank
you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me about you is your name.
There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you
are.
There is much more here than what meets the eye.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
There was no color in the world until I met you.
There's an aura about you that's hidden and I want to bring that aura out.
This is a test of the emergency pick up line service. Beeeeeeeeeep. If you
had been any less beautiful, you would have just heard a bad pick up line.
This is incredible. This is the first time that this has ever happened to
us. (What?) Each one of my 27 personalities found you cute!
This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really
this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk
about it."
Walk up and say, "Yes?" "What?" "Oh, my friend told me that you wanted to
make out with me because I'm the finest thing you have seen all night."
Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar
bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on
half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow
and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?"
(Walk up to someone and bite them anywhere) Person: What are you doing?!?!?
You: Sorry, taking a bite out of crime. Person: WHAT?!?!? You: Well it has
to be illegal to look that good!
(Walk up to them and touch them) Thank God, I thought that you were only an
illusion (mirage).
Want to see my stamp collection?
Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like
you!
Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince)
like you.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
Were you in Girl/Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Weren't you on America's Most Wanted last night?
What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!
What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name.
(switch if female asking a male)
What sort of person are you looking? Wait- don't tell me: medium height,
blue eyes, etc...
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?
What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off.
Hey, it's not coming off!
What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day?"
What's your sign?
When God made you, he was showing off.
When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I
want to be a part.
When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.
When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on
the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most
beautiful things in the world
When's our wedding date?
(While looking at stars) Baby, I didn't see any stars in the sky tonight,
the most heavenly body was sitting right next to me.
Who's your daddy?
Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break
and let me concentrate on something else for a change?
Woman, I hate to see you go, but I LOVE watching you leave....
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Would you like someone to mix with your drink?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
You - "Did it hurt". The other person will naturally say "Did what hurt?",
You - "When you fell from heaven."
You are a 9.9999. You'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.
You are a beautiful girl, you have probably heard all the great pick up
lines, so why dont' you just tell me the ones that worked so we can get past
all that....?"
You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
You are not a woman, you are an essence
You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your
family.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
You are so sweet...I'm getting a toothache just looking at you...
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
You are the only reason why I came in here alone.
You are the proof that God has a sense of humor.
You are the reason men fall in love.
You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but baby, the best way
to fall is in love with me!
You know at this angle as the lights hit your eyes [start fixing hair] I can
see myself and I look great." Then smile, and sheepishly say "just kidding."
You know I'd like to invite you over, but I'm afraid you're so hot you'll
skyrocket my air-conditioning bill.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women
look really bad.
You look beautiful today, just like every other day.
You look just like my mother.
You look like a big glass of water and I sure am thirsty!
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book ... So
what's one more??
You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.
You must be a chef, because you certainly are mighty spicy.
You must be from Hiroshima, cause baby you're the Bomb.
you must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb.
You must be going to hell cause it must be a sin to look that good.
You MUST have a nice personality.
You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
You remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You're cool cause you're hot!
You Say: Looks like we're late." She Says: "For what?" You Say: "For dinner.
Your choice this time, I'm buying."
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from
afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
You should be someone's wife.
You: Do you have a warrant out for your arrest? Them: No....why? girl:
Because it has got to be a crime being so damn sexy.
You: You're perfect in almost every way, except you have one major flaw.
Them: What's that? You: Your address. It needs to be the same as mine.
Your body is like a haiku in motion.
Your dad must have been retarded, 'cuz you are special.
Your daddy must be a terrorist, because baby- you da bomb!
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes
Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
Your eyes have touched my soul
Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine?
You're a twinkle in my eye and an angel from the sky.
You're daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox.
You're daddy must be an archer because he sure shot a bulls eye.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic Ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power!
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.
You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.
Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines
"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.
"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."
"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."
"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."
"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."
"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."
"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."
"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."
"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"
Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."
"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."
He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.
He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!
Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!
Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!
Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!
Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!
He: So, baby, your place or mine?
She: Both. You'll go to your place and I'll go to mine!
He: Your legs go clear up to your ***.
She: Most peoples' do!
Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!
"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."
He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?
"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."
"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
Life in a vacuum sucks
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Conserve energy... fart in a jar
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!
Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.
Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.
Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I was only looking at your name tag, honest.
Quick, call a witch doctor! My witch is sick.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the Simpsons.
Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2.
For Sale: Taliban rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first!
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
* Elayne Boosler
Dont hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
You can't scare me. I drive a school bus!
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.
Smile, everyone loves a moron.
My family puts the "fun" back in dysFUNctional.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-- Robin Williams.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!
My computer NEVER cras...DOH!.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield..
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
Drunk!...naught me - I'm Serfectly Pober Occifer!
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it!
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs...Boy do I love Congress!
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person!
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--ahhhhhhhhhh.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
The two most dangerous things in the world: A Pollock with a computer and a programmer with a screwdriver.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.
Where there's a will, there's an attorney.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes!
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is it possible to be a closet claustrophobic?
Don't take life so seriously... It's not permanent!
An authority: someone who knows lots of things you could care less about.
A friend in need is a pest indeed!
My mother: A travel agent for guilt trips.
!Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Eat american lamb...ten million coyotes can't be wrong!
Not all men are fools...some are bachelors!
No matter where you go, there you are. Huh?
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right!
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Computer Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in!
Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector.
Penalty for bigamy: Two mothers-in-law. OUCH!
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap!
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work!
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait!
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet..
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back!
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking!
In the immortal words of an art history major: Do ya want fries with that?
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
"The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat."
--Lily Tomlin.
"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!"
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
--Woody Allen
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce."
--Don Quinn.
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.".
"The decision is maybe and that's final!"
"Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.".
"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.".
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
--Seinfeld.
"It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.".
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.".
The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
"We are the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever sucked!"
- Homer Simpson.
She is not old … just well marinated.
-Heinlein.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met..
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely..
The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator!.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program..
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due..
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts..
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity..
Death is like God's way of saying, your table is ready..
And on the eighth day God said, "O.K. Murphy. You take over.".
Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N)
If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Who were the beta-testers for Preparations A through G?
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
You’ll never have a nervous breakdown, but you sure are a carrier!
Protect your bagels, put lox on them.
When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?
Definition of gun control: use both hands.
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, then why do they abduct the dumbest people on earth ??
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear..
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a disjointed pinocchio..
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die!.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles..
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem..
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?.
I am not weird, it's just that everyone else is..
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed!.
If crimefighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?.
When it comes to your health, I recommend frequent doses of that rare commodity among Americans—common sense.
When you are down and out something always turns up—and it is usually the noses of your friends.
A diplomat’s life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man. - Lana Turner
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
- Abba Eban
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for what they don't want.
The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor
The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
Any change looks terrible at first.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert, in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's Big Book of Business.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any line, however short, is still too long.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Always hire a rich attorney.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
Ambiguity is invariant..
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening..
Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
It works better if you plug it in.
If you want to get along, go along.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.
Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?.
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's Not My Job!
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
It's out of my control.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do..
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
Oh, she's seen a parrot! That must mean it's all gonna be okay!" -on Pirates of the Caribbean commentary - Keira Knightley
"Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk" -Stephen King
"You are very squishy. So I shall name you squishy. And you shall be my little squishy."--Dory from finding nemo
Victory is mine! -Stewie from Family Guy
"Who the hell is that?!"- upon seeing herself with muscles on the King Arthur poster
"Date Prince William? No, he's too...horsey. - Keira Knightley
Well- no, I feel very grownup actually!"- after being asked if she was still just a kid - Keira Knightley
"They're a bit like chicken fillets really. You can hit people with them!" -talking about her temporary breast implants for Pirates - Keira Knightley
"I'm obsessed with shoes. I must have hundreds of pairs. I'm a shoe fiend. That reminds me- I need to go shopping!" - Keira Knightley
" I think I always disappoint people because they always expect someone very pretty, very done."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
- "A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah." - Ronald Reagan
- "Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways." - William Shakespeare
"I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
- "I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein
- "I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." - Marilyn Munroe
- "Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the
more expensive ones rattle your jewelry." - John Lennon
"Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun." - Mao Tse Tung
- "Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
- "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - Elvis Presley
- "My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else." - Woody Allen
"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy
- "She looks like she combs her hair with an egg beater." - Hedda Hopper
- "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin
- "You're not a real manager unless you've been sacked." - Malcolm Allison
- "This is on me" is what Dorothy Parker wanted on her tombstone
- "When you are down and out, something always turns up - usually the noses
of your friends." - Orson Welles
- "Anybody who sees and paints a sky green and pastures blue ought to be
sterilized." - Adolf Hitler
- "I am an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes his raincoat." - Harold Wilson
- "The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon
- "I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be..." Benny Hill
- "The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive." - Kenneth Williams
"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy". - Helen Hayes (at 73)
- "TV has brought murder back into the home where it belongs." - Alfred Hitchcock
- "TV is more interesting than people. If it were not, we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms." - Alan Coren
"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something."
-- Plato
"Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value." -- Albert Einstein
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain
"Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood". --Oscar Wilde
"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend". --Martin Luther King, Jr.
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". --Gandhi
"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life." --Tommy Lasorda
"Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love. " . --Justin Timberlake
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows". - Helen Keller
"You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. - Wayne Gretzky
"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got". - Garth Brooks
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music". - George Carlin
"For those who understand no explanation is needed, ...For those who don't none will do". - Jerry Lewis
"Don't be so humble, you're not that great". - Golda Meir
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house". - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Ya gots to work with what you gots to work with". - Stevie Wonder
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --Jason Kidd
"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000." --Pete Incaviglia, baseball player, 1990
"I'm the best there was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be!." --Bret Hart
""Ninety percent of the game is half mental." --Jim Wohford
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool (Yogi Berra).
"I've just got to maintain my passion for what I do." -- Leonardo Dicaprio
"I'd love to be a pop idol. Of course, my groupies are now between 40 and 50."- Kevin Bacon
"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." -- Jessica Alba
"It's so sweet, I feel like my teeth are rotting when I listen to the radio." -- Bono (of U2)
"Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie."-- Sandra Bullock
I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever." - Jim Carrey
"That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."-- Jim Carrey
"I like the job. That's what I'll miss the most... I'm not sure anybody ever liked this as much as I've liked it." -- Bill Clinton
"Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties."- George Clooney
"I feel safe in white because, deep down inside, I'm an angel." - P-Diddy
"Being a celebrity is probably the closest to being a beautiful woman as you can get."- Kevin Costner
"We talk all the time. I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't understand either of us." - Macaulay Culkin (on his relationship with Michael Jackson)
"Everyody stands - that's our policy. If Jesus Christ comes on the show, guess what? It's like, 'Stand right here Jesus, we got Papa Roach coming up at number six." - Carson Daly
"I have to remind my dad, 'Journalists - no matter how many cigars they smoke with you - are not your friends, so don't talk to them." - Cameron Diaz
"Because young men are so goddamn disappointing!" [on why women like older leading men] -- Harrison Ford
"I could take Sean Connery in a fight... I could definitely take him." - Harrison Ford
We don't have a host and it's hard to vote yourself off the island when you're the only one on it." [comparing Cast Away to Survivor] -- Tom Hanks
"When I first came to Hollywood I was told to go out with an agent because it was good for my career. So I went to a party with him because it was good for my 'career.' Well, he thought the whole thing was a big date. Needless to say, I was very upset."-- Salma Hayek
"A bit of lusting after someone does wonders for the skin."-- Elizabeth Hurley
"I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly i'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me." -- Elizabeth Hurley
"Boredom is a great motivator." -- Uma Thurman
"I ried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too." -- Liv Tyler
"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." [on Lennox Lewis] -- Mike Tyson
"I wasn't the cutest or the most talented, but I could get through the question-and-answer period." [on beauty pageants] -- Oprah Winfrey
"I was like, 'I want that one!'" [on boyfriend Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees ]-- Jessica Simpson
"Good judgement comes from experience. Sometimes, experience comes from bad judgement." --Christian Slater
"I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support." -- Anna Nicole Smith
"Success is like death. The more successful you become, the higher the houses in the hills get and the higer the fences get." - Kevin Spacey
"Marry Prince William? I would love that. After all, who wouldn't want to be a princess?" -- Britney Spears
"I want a sandwich named after me." -- Jon Stewart
"Sometimes I don't feel like the person that I'm supposed to be. I don't feel like I deserve any of this." -- Mena Suvari
"I really lived life to its fullest and that got me in trouble from time to time." -- Matthew Perry
"Being married means I can [break wind] and eat ice cream in bed." -- Brad Pitt
"Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend." -- Lucy Liu
"I identify with women more than men. I guess I have a strong feminine side." -- Lenny Kravitz
"I'm just like anyone. I cut and I bleed. And I embarass easily."- Michael Jackson
"My whole goal is to keep my spirit intact. If that doesn't happen, none of this is worth it." -- Jewel
"I am so in love with my brother right now!" -- Angelina Jolie
"I was always told I was special. And I was also assured that I had a gift and a purpose."-- Ashley Judd
"Only a genius can play a fool." -- Michael Rapaport
"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special." -- Chris Rock
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. --George Burns
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. --George Burns
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. --George Burns
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. --John Lennon
If you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG. --Jack Nicholson
I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don't believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn't want brotherhood with me. I believe in treating people right, but I'm not going to waste my time trying to treat somebody right who doesn't know how to return the treatment. --Malcolm X
This American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it capitalism, call it what you will, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
-- Al Capone
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left. --George Burns at age 90
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. --Elizabeth Taylor
If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper that did his job well.
-- Martin Luther King
I'm not Jacko, I'm Jackson... 'Wacko Jacko' - Where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me, it's not nice. --Michael Jackson
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. --Pablo Picasso
But I refuse to believe that I am a better actor than myself. --Jim Carrey
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
--Walt Disney
If you're going through hell, keep going. --Walt Disney
Every man wishes to be wise, and they who cannot be wise are almost always cunning. --Samuel Jackson
Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is the Best.
--Frank Zappa
The attraction of being wild is living on the edge, living up to the reputations of the people you've been following or emulating. People are always talking about how wild and exciting they were, but the key word is 'were', because there's a long list of dead, famous people. --Christian Slater
You can see our respect for women by the fact that we have pledged to pay working women, even though they don't have to work. --Taliban Information Minister Amir Kan Muttaqi
I wanted revenge; I wanted to dance on the graves of a few people who made me unhappy. It's a pretty infantile way to go through life - I'll show them - but I've done it, and I've got more than I ever dreamed of.
-- Anthony Hopkins
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. --Robin Williams
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work. --Al Capone
It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep. --Benito Mussollini
A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want.
-- Madonna
I wish people could acheive what they think would bring them happiness in order for them to realize that that's not what happiness really is. -- Alanis Morisette
The key to immortallity, is living a life which is worth to be remembered. Bruce Lee
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
-- Rebecca West
What luck for rulers that men do not think. -- Adolf Hitler
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you 50,000 dollars for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul.
-- Marilyn Monroe
Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice; I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots.
-- Tupac Shakur
I used to live in a room full of mirrors; all I could see was me. I take my spirit and I crash my mirrors, now the whole world is here for me to see. -- Jimi Hendrix
One man with courage is a majority.-- Thomas Jefferson
No one knows my ability the way I do. I am pushing against it all the time. --John Steinbeck
I'm still the little southern girl from the wrong side of the tracks who really didn't feel like she belonged.
--Faye Dunaway.
I am just too much. -- Bette Davis
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
-- Muhammad Ali
I never set out to hurt anybody deliberately unless it was, you know, important. Like a league game or something. --Dick Butkus
I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way. -- Jessica Rabit (Who framed Roger Rabbit)
I say I'm Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin all wrapped up into one. If I die early ... I'll be just like those guys. --Dennis Rodman.
I'm not smart enough to lie. -- Ronald Reagan
I am not in the closet. I am not coming out of the closet. I am not gay. --Oprah Winfrey
I don't want people to know what I'm actually like. It's not good for an actor.
- - Jack Nicholson, 1993
If people screw me, I screw back in spades.
- - Donald Trump
You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth.
- - -John Lennon
Feminism is just a way for ugly women to get into the mainstream of America.
- - Rush Limbaugh
I love New York City; I've got a gun.
- - Charles Barkley
I dress for women, and undress for men.
- - Angie Dickinson
If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him.
- - Drew Barrymore (1998)
When I walk into a bookstore, I want to see my picture on the cover of every magazine, like Leonardo DiCaprio. – Brandy
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
- - Zsa Zsa Gabor
It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
--Jimi Hendrix, Rolling Stone, December 2, 1976.
With all due respect to the world's great drummers - it ain't brain surgery.
- - Mickey Dolenz, 1996
Our bodies are just temporary vessels for our souls, which will go on forever. You really are an extension of the power that created the whole universe, no matter what drags you have on.
- - Ru Paul
If I hadn't been a woman, I'd have been a drag queen.
- - Dolly Parton
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
- - -Zsa Zsa Gabor
I wanted to perform, I wanted to write songs, and I wanted to get lots of chicks.
- - James Taylor, when asked why he got into music
The biggest misconception people have about me is that I'm stupid.
- - Billy Idol
Comparing Madonna with Marilyn Monroe is like comparing Rachel Welch to the back of a bus. .
- - Boy George
People used to throw rocks at me because of my clothes. Now they wanna know where I buy them.
- - Cyndi Lauper
The whole business is built on ego, vanity, self-satisfaction, and it's total crap to pretend it's not..
- - George Michael
I don't listen to music. I hate all music.
- - Johnny Rotten (Sex Pistols)
Boy George makes me sick. .
- - Madonna
Anybody that walks can sing..
- - Michael Stipe (REM)
(on naming their band, the Butthole Surfers) Oh no, no regrets at all. My mom even says it now. It took her about ten years, but I've heard her say it two or three times now. .
- - Paul Leary (Butthole Surfers)
I try not to repeat myself. It's the hardest thing in the world to do --- there are only so many notes one human being can master. .
- - Prince
I do my best work when I'm in pain and turmoil.
- - Sting
A rock 'n' roll band needs to be able to get under people's skin. You should be able to clear the room at the drop of a hat. .
- - Paul Westerberg (The Replacements)
(on the use of umlauts over the O and U of Motley Crue)
We didn't think about its proper use. We just wanted something to be weird, and the umlaut is very visual. It's German and strong, and that Nazi Germany mentality - "the future belongs to us" - intrigued me. .
- - Nikki Sixx
I wanted a name that would put us first in the phone directory, or second if you count ABBA... .
- - Martin Fry
"My audience loves to see Britney get her head cut off.".
- - Alice Cooper
A dream is like a river ever changing as it flows, and a dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.
- Garth Brooks, The River
A man, like clay, is molded by his surroundings, he starts to take shape of the beatings and the pounding.
- Biohazard, Urban Discipline
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
- The Beatles, The End
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
- Semisonic, Closing Time
Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart.
- Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes
For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels.
- Paul Anka; Frank Sinatra; Elvis Presley, My Way
Freedom, well, that's just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone.
- The Eagles, Desperado
Get your head out of the mud, baby. Put flowers in the mud, baby.
- U2, Zooropa .
Heard ten thousand whispering and nobody listening. Heard one person starve, I heard many people laughing. Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter. - Bob Dylan, A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall
Hero-not the handsome actor who plays a hero's role, hero-not the glamour girl who'd love to sell her soul.
- Rush, Nobody's Hero
How many ears must one man have before he can hear people cry? Yes, and how many deaths will it take 'til he knows that too many people have died?
- - Bob Dylan; Peter, Paul, and Mary, Blowin' In The Wind
I got a lot to say, I got a lot to say, I got a lot to say. I can't remember now, I can't remember now, I can't remember now.
- Ramones, Got Alot To Say
I said, baby, do you have no shame? She just looked at me, uncomprehendingly, like cows at a passing train.
- Don Henley, If Dirt Were Dollars
I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind. People living in competition, all I want is to have my peace of mind.
- Boston, Peace Of Mind
I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth.
- The Who, Substitute
I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.
- Bob Dylan; The Byrds, My Back Pages
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail.
- Simon and Garfunkel, El Condor Pasa
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.
- Billy Joel, Only The Good Die Young
If we were blind and had no choice, would we hate each other by the tone of our voice?
- - Anthrax, Schism
If we weren't all crazy we would go insane.
- Jimmy Buffett, Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes.
If you believe in forever, then life is just a one night stand. If there's a rock and roll heaven, well, you know they got a hell of a band.
- The Righteous Brothers, Rock And Roll Heaven
If you smile at me I will understand, cause that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language. - Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Wooden Ships
I'm not a number. Dammit, I'm a man. - Bob Seger, Feel Like A Number
It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no Senator's son, son. It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no fortunate one.
- - Creedence Clearwater Revival, Fortunate Son .
It could be a spoonful of diamonds, could be a spoonful of gold. Just a little spoon of your precious love satisfies my soul.
- - Willie Dixon; Howlin' Wolf; Yardbirds, Spoonful
It seems to me, sorry seems to be the hardest word.
- - Elton John, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
It's better to burn out, than to fade away.
- - Neil Young, My My, Hey Hey
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
-- REM, It's The End Of The World As We Know It
Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan, you don't need to be coy, Roy, just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.
- - Paul Simon, 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
Love when you can, cry when you have to, be who you must, that's a part of the plan. Await your arrival with simple survival, and one day we'll all understand.
-- Dan Fogelberg, Part Of The Plan
Masters of the bluff and masters of the proposition, but the enemy I see wears a cloak of decency.
- Bob Dylan, Slow Train
My uniform is leather and my power is my age.
- - Kiss, Flaming Youth
No matter what you do, you'll never run away from you.
- Paul Revere and the Raiders, Kicks
Nobody wants him, he just stares at the world. Planning his vengeance, that he will soon unfold.
- - Black Sabbath, Iron Man
Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, life goes on. - The Beatles, Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da
Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart. - Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse Of The Heart.
One victim lives in tragedy, another victim stops to stare, and still another walks on by pretending not to see.
- Bob Seger, No Man's Land
Rather die on our feet, than keep living on our knees.
- James Brown, Say It Loud - I'm Black And I'M Proud (Part I)
Our early morning singing song, glibby glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy, la la la lo lo. Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba, lee le lo lo. Tooby ooby walla, nooby abba naba.
- Hair; Oliver, Good Morning Starshine
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea. All we do, crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see, dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.
- Kansas, Dust In The Wind
Send me dead flowers to my wedding and I won't forget to put roses on your grave.
- The Rolling Stones, Dead Flowers
She had bullets in her eyes and they fired.
- Bob Dylan, I Wanna Be Your Lover
Silence means security, silence means approval, watch a zenith on the TV. Tiger run around the tree, follow the leader, run and turn to butter. – REM, Begin The Beguine
Since my baby left me, I've found a new place to dwell, down at the end of Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel. - Elvis Presley, Heartbreak Hotel
So tonight you better stop and rebuild all your ruins, because peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.
- Led Zeppelin, Immigrant Song
Space ain't man's final frontier, man's final frontier is the soul.
- Arrested Development, Man's Final Frontier
The bubble headed bleach blonde comes on at five, she can tell you about the plane crash with a gleam in her eye. It's interesting when people die, gives us dirty laundry.
- Don Henley, Dirty Laundry
The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall, and with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost. It rises now before me, a dark and silent barrier between all I am, and all I would ever want to be.
- Kansas, The Wall.
The preacher said, you know you always have the Lord by your side. And I was so pleased to be informed of this that I ran twenty red-lights in his name.
- The Rolling Stones, Far Away Eyes
The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls.
- Simon and Garfunkel, The Sounds Of Silence
Then one year you find ten years have gotten behind, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. - Pink Floyd, Time
There's an opera out on the turnpike, there's a ballet being fought out in the alley.
- Bruce Springsteen, Jungleland
Send me dead flowers to my wedding and I won't forget to put roses on your grave.
- The Rolling Stones, Dead Flowers
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.
- Eric Clapton, Tears In Heaven.
Too many churches and not enough truth.
- The Guess Who, Undone
Well, you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind. You don't pull on the mask of old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim.
- Jim Croce, You Don't Mess Around With Jim.
We're going to Surf City, gonna have some fun. Now, two girls for every boy.
- Jan and Dean, Surf City .
- Led Zeppelin, Immigrant Song
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year.
- Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here
What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It's the only thing that there is just too little of.
- Jackie Del Shannon; Dionne Warwick, What The World Needs Now Is Love
When I first saw you with your smile so tender, my heart was captured, my soul surrendered.
- Elvis Presley, It's Now Or Never.
When my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it.
- Carole King; Aretha Franklin, A Natural Woman
When you call my name, I salivate like Pavlov's dog.
- The Rolling Stones, *****
Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?
- Golden Earring, Twilight Zone
With my New York brim and my gold tooth displayed, nobody give me trouble cause they know I've got it made.
- ZZ Top, I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide
With only one thing in common, they got the fire down below. - Bob Seger, Fire Down Below
You better start swimming or sink like a stone, cause the times they are a-changing.
- Bob Dylan, The Times They Are A-Changin'.
You bought a guitar to punish your Mom.
- Pink Floyd, Welcome To The Machine
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need.
- The Rolling Stones, You Can't Always Get What You Want.
You don't have to be old to be wise.
- Judas Priest, You Don't Have To Be Old To Be Wise
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
- Bob Dylan, Subterranean Homesick Blues
You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run.
- Kenny Rogers, The Gambler
You're dangerous cause your honest, you're dangerous cause you don't know what you want.
- U2, Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses
You're living in your own private Idaho.
- B-52s, Private Idaho
"All human wisdom is contained in the words wait and hope." -Alexandre Dumas (The Count of Monte Cristo)
"The only thing that is certain in life is death" - Ben Franklin.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - McGregor's Revised Maxim
"Hollywood is like high school but with better cars" -- Tim Allen.
What consumes your thoughts controls your life. --Creed, What If
Life can hold you down when you're not looking up. --Creed, Inside Us All.
"A friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies." ~Aristotle
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" -- Eleanor Roosevelt.
- U2, Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses
You're living in your own private Idaho.
It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
--Jimi Hendrix, Rolling Stone, December 2, 1976.
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Can bald men get lice??
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
"How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?"
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to
eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do
you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
hit in case of an accident?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Can you cry under water?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
them at the end of the bathrooms ?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
What did cured ham actually have?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
Can a blind man see his future?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Can crop circles be square?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put
pasta into the water?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the
traditional colors?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always
white?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the
road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers
around at a hardware store?
Is there anything easier done than said?
Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
Are you able to fart in heaven?
Why isn't sour cream really sour?
Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon?
Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
Can vampires donate blood?
If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is there an L in NOEL?
If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?
On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
Can angels eat devils food cake?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?
Why are all farms red?
why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Are there female leprechauns?
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Can dogs have dog days?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Do cows drink milk?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ***?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling?
Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bulletproof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Happiness is felt by making other people happy.
Behind every damsel is a fire breathing dragon
When you lose someone, you realize just how much that person means to you, So maybe its a good thing they're gone. So you can see just how much that person means to you. -Anonymous.
Guys are like port-o-potties. All the good ones are taken and all the bad ones are full of crap! -Anonymous
Im a palm reader : Gasp! You'll die, but don't worry. You'll live through it.
"Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot." -Anonymous
Every 10 seconds a woman is giving birth, she must be found and stoped
"Everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present."
"treat everyone the same, till you find out there an idiot"
Do I give my friends advice? Jesus, no. They wouldn't take advice from me. Nobody should take advice from me. I haven't got a clue about anything..
" i had the whole world in my hands but i gave it away"
"lets toast till we die"
"i never need to see the sun again, there enough light in your eyes to light up all the world"
"The most powerful position is on your knees."
People can live one hundred years without really living a minute.
Never hire a colorblind electrician.
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane!
"reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol
"No one is a failure if they have friends" - the angel from It's a Wonderful Life"
Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.
"Friend are the flowers in the garden of life"
Yesterday was never here and tomorrow will never be but today is a gift that's why they call it 'present'.
"No Matter what you do there will be critics."
"All that changes in history is the name we give things." -Harry Truman
"You never see the bad days in a photo album but it’s those days that get us from one happy snapshot to the next."
"There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!"
"You can't free a bird if it ain't gunna fly. You can't live a life if you don't ask "Why?"
"There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in." ---Benji (Good Charlotte)
"Death is instant, Pain will end, glory is forever"
"The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate"
"We must hang together, or surely we shall hang separately" -- Benjamin Franklin
Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied
"Sinning wouldn't be so popular if it's wages were paid immediately"
Everyone has music in them. Only the talented have the ability to share it with the rest of the world
"TO PLANT A GARDEN IS TO BELIEVE IN TOMORROW"
"If God didn't want me to do it he would have stopped med"
"The good news is that you may have created my past and screwed up my present but you have no control over my future." ~ You Don't Know Me, David Klass"
Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied
-"Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear!"
-"The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory!"
-"Only those who can see the invisible can do the impossible!"
-"Its ok to kiss a fool, its ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you!"
"Friends are gods ways of apologizing for our families"
Life's a garden dig it
"You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough"
Only after the last tree has been cut down,
only after the last river has been poisoned,
only after the last fish has been caught,
only then will you realize that money cannot be eaten
"If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it"-Jonathan winters.
"The best man for a job is a woman"-Ares (from Xena Warrior Princess)
"Knowledge talks, wisdom listens"
"To control others is to have power, to control yourself is to know the way" - Lao Ma
A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be thought of as half as good. Luckily this is not difficult"
II can resist anything but temptation
I believe in angels,
the Kind that heaven sends
...I'm surrounded
By angels, but I call
Them my best friends
If you do it you’ll regret it, if you don’t do it you’ll regret it, either way your going to regret it, you might as well just do it
"If the first grape you eat is bitter then you will not bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one then you will be willing to eat a lot of bitter grapes in search of another sweet one "
" To see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wildflower . . .hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour . . . " ~William Blakeg
"I've been rich and I've been poor… rich is better"
Creating success is tough but keeping it is tougher -Pete Roseg
"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet" - Roger Miller
"All who wander are not lost." -JRR Tolkien
"No amount of sizzle will make a bad steak good."
Ashes to Ashes Dust-to-Dust, Life is short so Party We must!
Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
aimed with angry art
words can sting like anything,
but silence breaks the heart... -Phyllis mcgenlee
"Give up for a second and that is where you will finish."
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. --Alexander Graham Bell
Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not. Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not. The world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence, determination and hard work make the difference. -- Calvin Coolidge
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? -- George Eliot
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us. -- Ben Franklin
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now. -- Goethe
What lies before us and what lies beyond us is tiny compared to what lies within us. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. -- Thomas Jefferson
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. -- Carl Jung
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. -- Robert F. Kennedy
Friendship with one's self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. -- George Bernard Shaw
~Resistance drains energy~
~Acceptance saves it~
~Cheerfulness sustains it~ -- Anonymous
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with..."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"You know that the outhouse is in the right place if it seems too close in summer and too far in winter."
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
"If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one."
"You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them
"If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius ?!"
"If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long ?"
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead."
— Woody Allen.
"Practice safe eating — always use condiments."
"Ingredients as fresh as they were 27 years ago." — Slogan of the Biscuitville restaurant.
"Shrimp with assroted vegetables." — Typo on a Chinese restaurant menu.
"What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten ?"
"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people." — Jim Eason.
"Never eat more than you can lift." — Miss Piggy.
"One of life's mysteries is how a 1kg box of candy can make a woman gain 2kg."
"It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise, how are you going to get it into your mouth ?" — Matt Diamond.
"Those who cast the votes decide nothing; those who count the votes decide everything." -- Joseph Stalin
"To love someone is to see him as God intended him" --Fydor Dostoyevsky
Two words that guys hate...don’t & stop...unless you put them together
Being pessimistic makes you a less hopeful person, but almost always a correct one. - Andy Bodine
"Love is like a war, easy to begin, hard to end"
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down to us. Pigs treat us as equals." -Winston Churchill
"Sometimes your the dog, sometimes your the hydrant"
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it."
"The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner."
"A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine."
"Remember when American moms used to tell their kids to finish dinner because children were starving in Africa ? Well, thanks a lot, Mom — Africans are still starving and American kids are obese." — Larry Baum.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening." — Alexander Woollcott.
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant ? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner." — Lynda Montgomery.
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." — Ed Bluestone.
"My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like — just don't swallow it." — Harry Secombe (1921- ), welsh singer, actor, and comedian.
"Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards ??"
"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings." — Marc Ostroff.
"I think they should put a warning label on strawberries: 'Caution: tastes nothing like a strawberry milkshake'." — Ryan Kaplan.
"Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break." — Lev L. Spiro
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education." — Mark Twain.
"I can't believe you can get banned from a bakery for mispronouncing 'focaccia' !" — Hikeeba.
"The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger." — Chris O'Brien
Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops." — Frank Muir (1920- ), British writer and broadcaster.
"A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen." — Emily Lotney.
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
"If it screams, it's not food... yet."
"Give me liberty or... OOOooo... A jelly donut !" — Homer Simpson
"Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty." — Matthew J. Siske
"If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry ?"
"What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide ? To hold cows together."
"Save the whales — collect the entire set."
"The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner."
"I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it."
"The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner."
"I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it."
"The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner."
"I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it."
"The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner."
If the shoe fits, it's ugly."
"A closed mouth gathers no feet."
"Never take a beer to a job interview."
"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."
"I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"
"If I could lie, I would be in marketing."
It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you place the blame."
"Most born executives are people with a parent who started the business."
"My contribution to productivity at my job is to refrain from giving my co-workers the severe beatings they so richly deserve." — Gene B.
"So I had this dream yesterday that I was at work... no, wait... I was dreaming yesterday while I was at work. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, long story short: Anybody know of a job opening for a security guard ?" — Steiner Sellers.
"Word to the wise: When composing an e-mail message to your boss from home late at night, be sure to take inventory of the empty beer cans around you before you press 'send'." — Jumpin' Jack Reynolds.
"I think you should profit from the mistakes of others. You don't live long enough to make them all yourself."
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"If something goes wrong... blame the guy who can't speak English." — Homer Simpson
"The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1- Cover for me.
2- Oh, good idea, Boss !
3- It was like that when I got here." — Homer Simpson.
"If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they."
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?"
I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
• take a deep breath
• count to 10
• set the boss' wastebasket on fire."
"Two Rules For Success:
1) Never tell people everything you know."
"Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does."
"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."
"The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."
"Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job."
"Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under miscellaneous."
"Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour."
"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it."
"At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying."
"When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this ?"
"No matter how much you do, you never do enough."
"Think before you act."
"The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong."
Why are wise men, and wise guys the exact opposite ?"
"Many people would sooner die than think. In fact they do."
— Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher.
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste... That's why I save it for special occasions."
"Around here, we put the FUN in dysFUNctional."
"You're so open-minded, your brains fell out."
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
"I have an open mind — it's just closed for repairs."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
— Douglas Porter
"Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you."
"Reality ? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from ?"
"There is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: The human ego."
"Never argue with idiots. The just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing !"
"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
Heaven is where :
• the police are British,
• the cooks are French,
• the mechanics are German,
• the lovers are Italian,
• and all is organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where :
• the police are German,
• the cooks are British,
• the mechanics are French,
• the lovers are Swiss,
• and all is organized by the Italians ! "
"Think like you'll live forever, but live like you'll die tomorrow."
You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends. But you can’t pick your friends nose!
It’s better for everyone to think you're an idiot rather than open your mouth and prove it.
"You may fool the whole world down the pathways of years and get pats on the back as you pass; but your final reward will be heartache and tears, if you've cheated the man in the glass."
"Love isn't what makes the world go round but it's what makes the trip worthwhile."
Yesterday was history, tomorrow's a mystery. today is a gift, that's why we call it present!
"Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer"
the only thing that will let the triumph of evil prevail is for good men to do nothing
The mind is like a parachute. It only functions when open
Borrow money from pessimists, they wont expect it back.
People are like crayons, it’s not the color they are, but the picture they make.'
Don't judge a man until you've walked across two moons in his moccasins.
a wild beast is to be more feared than a friend that is ignorant and rude, if that friend is yours, he's/she's not your friend he's the beast.
"Intelligence is not to be measured by how much you know, but by your ability to learn."
...if I can wipe from any human cheek a tear...teach one man that god and heaven are near...make more joy, more hope, less pain...though no one knows my name, nor drops a flower upon my grave, I shall not have lived in vain while here- parts from God's Little Devotional Book
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. Captain Penny's Law
"I can be sad because the rosebush has a thorn, or I can rejoice because the thorn bush has a rose. It's all up to me."
Destiny, chance, fate, fortune -- they're all just ways of claiming your success without claiming your failures
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem!" –Anonymous
Life is life a grindstone, it will either polish you up, or wear you down, depending on what you're made of.
"if you pursue what you love you will never work a day in your life!"
There are easier things to do then understand women, like nailing water to a tree - Kombucha.
Do you want to know something really subversive? love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth living for, being brave for, risking everything for and the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more. -- Erica Jong
I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. -- Oscar Wilde
Honest answers are like a kiss on the lips.
Be who you are and say what you mean, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
"There are two people you cannot argue with, a Fanatic or an Idiot." – Victor R. Smith
"There's a light at the end of every tunnel. Just hope it's not a train" – Cheers
I don’t love the person I live with, I love the person I can’t live without.
You shall never understand the importance of underwear." -anonymous
"Live ever day as if it were your last...and someday, you'll be right." - H. H. "Breaker" Morant
I hold you close today for fear off losing you tomorrow. – Anonymous
"Its better to die on your feet, than live on your knees" -anon
A person is only trustworthy because they are reliable.
"The greener grass on the other side is probably artificial turf." - Author Unknown
"Love is another Word For Regret." - New Found Glory
Loving someone is giving them the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to.
You know it is love when you cannot fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.
Life is to short to be pissed off all the time" -Danny (Edward Furlong) American History x-
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
When you are born, you're afraid of the darkness...then you're afraid of the light. But I'm not afraid when I dance with my shadow, this time I'm gonna get it right." - Aerosmith
9/11 attacks on America: "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting"
Bacon and eggs: a day's work for the chicken... a lifetime investment for the pig
“Always say what’s in your heart, and hold tightly to the things that matter”
The time for most of us to decide comes without warning, and we miss it.
People say that life is the greatest gift God has given us. I believe that death is, for without the possibility of death, what would life be worth? - Oliver Roberts
Most people are about as happy as they make their mind up to be" Abraham Lincoln
Who is more foolish, the fool or the man who follows the fool?
"Fortune is woman, neglect her today, don't expect to regain her tomorrow"
The only way to keep a secret between three people is if the other two are
dead. -Lincoln
"Goals are just dreams with deadlines" - Matthew Good
Don’t grudge at the people who pushed you down, they could be the ones to help you up the next day.
You don't have to blow out my candle to make yours glow brighter!
War does not determine who is right...war determines who is left. -Harry Midalia
There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train
Loving you is like breathing how can I stop
"Some times the ball of life doesn't bounce your way. Other times, someone deflates it."
Get over yourself, I did!!
The reason that there are teeth marks on my fountain pens is
because I keep using them to help pry my foot from my mouth
Without love, there’s no life
Without life, there’s no love
So without you, where does that leave me?
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
The more I learn, the less I understand!
"Life's a play ground why aren't you playing?"
"He doesn't get lost, just chooses an alternate path."
Beware of the little man because tomorrow he may be the giant.
If you love someone more then anything then distance matters only to the mind not the heart.
"Friends are like four leaf clovers, hard to find, but lucky to have."
"Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them."
"The Greatest Trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist."
I love him oh yes I do
He’s for me and not for you
And if by chance you take my place,
I’ll take my fist and smash your face.
The highway of life is full of flat rodents who couldn't make up their mind
The sky is not the limit
"Learn the rules, so you know how to break them."
-Chris Kattan from Saturday Night Live
"The rules can change at any place at any time for any reason."
"Worry is like rocking in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but gets you no where." ~Anonymous
"Good and bad are both general opinions. That's why you have to listen to your heart for what's right." -- Beki Eady
“Knowledge is simply opinion we trust enough to act upon.” -- Orson Scott Card
True understanding is deeper in meaning in mere words, and is important for its' result, not petty rhetoric. Those who can verbalize their happiness have little happiness to speak of. My true love has grown so much that I can't tell even half of it in words." - "Romeo & Juliet" Shakespeare
"It’s okay to take care of others, but remember to take care of yourself as well. After all if your not around in the end, how you going to help anyone?"
"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." ~John Lennon
"When I am dead and gone, I'd much rather NOT have a monument in honor of me and have people ask why I don't, then have a monument and have people ask why I do."
"God wisely designed the human body, we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily."
"Peeing your pants is like doing a good deed. Everyone can see it, but only you get the funny, warm feeling."
"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at It." ~Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day
"I am not concerned that you have fallen; I am concerned that you arise."
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Discovery is seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought.
Courage is not fearless. It's having fear but doing what you have to do anyway.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
"Only when you lose everything, are you free to do anything."
Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die
life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams for when dreams go
life is a barren field frozen with snow. By: Langston Hughes
'If this is coffee, please bring me some tea, but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee' -Abraham Lincoln.
I am not lost... I am exploring.
Goodbyes are not forever, Goodbyes are not the end, and they simply mean I'll miss you until we meet again.
To give anything less then your best is to sacrifice the gift. ---Steve Prefontaine
Often in life we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
Life's challenges aren't supposed to paralyze us; they're supposed to help us discover who we are.
Progress involves risk; you can't steal second base if you keep a foot on first.
People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to because they'll always know the other had will always be there.
You have brains in your head you have feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you may chose.
You can't control your feelings, only what you do about them.
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." - Aldus Huxley (1894-1963)
"No Problem is Bigger than it's solution."
The Man may be the head of the house but the woman is the neck and can turn the head anyways it wants
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded
Hearts change I know they do, but a part of this heart will always belong to you.
If your asking if I love you the answer is 4ever
If your asking if I'll leave you the answer is never
If your asking what I value the answer you
If your asking if I love you the answer is I do
History is just another word for reality without a toilet or chocolate.