I'm kind of going through an existential crisis...?

Question

I am starting school in two days and I will be a junior in high school. I'm excited, nervous, kind of everything. This is the year when my school is going to have us focus on colleges and job options for the future. And all this is freaking me out.. I have a lot of thoughts so let me explain myself.
So... Ever since I could remember I've always wanted to be a singer. But as I grew up, I decided to be more realistic and changed it to being a therapist or a writer. And now, I realize that nothing gives me more happiness than singing and it's something I really would want to do as a career. I can sing very well and have been told I have an original voice, can play guitar and piano, and write songs. I really believe I have a chance to being a musician (and not a teacher because I don't have the patience or the skill to teach). But often I am told to choose something else.
Coming from someone who is very realistic, I understand that having something to fall back on. But in my mind, I know that being an artist, especially now that everyone wants to be noticed and all that, is going to take a lot of hard work and if you want to pursue anything, you must eat, sleep, and drink it. You have to be completely dedicated and work hard. So going to college and pursuing a degree just so I have something to fall back on seems like a waste of money and time. If a college degree is just a piece of paper, why do it? I’m not saying I wouldn’t go to college, I’m just saying that I don’t want to use up eight years getting a phD in psychology if it’s not what I want to spend my life doing. I know to work in the arts you have to be completely dedicated. And I don’t want to wait. So I’m going to be starting my own YouTube channel and post covers, and maybe even go busking when I have the chance. We’ll see.
I personally wouldn't mind living in small, simple apartment as long as I could make music and it was appreciated, I would be completely content in life. I don’t mind a humble lifestyle.
Also, I have this gigantic fear of the end of the world. It's a really long story about why but basically my father has talked about the end of the world non-stop ever since I turned 11 and for the past five years it has never left my head. Ever. It's like this looming dark cloud and I'm afraid that paranoia won't go away easily or soon. So with that in mind, I think about "well what would I want to be doing if I died tomorrow."
And now on to the existential crisis part of it… Just recently I realized that I am a human being. I am alive, I can do whatever I want, and nothing or no one can stop me. I've thought about how unlimited and yet so so limited we, as humans, are; how money and buildings, and all these material things do not matter and how we can do whatever we want but there's always something stopping us! It makes me sad and upset because of course the world won't change, there is always something in the way...
I’m not dreaming for all of that to end. I know that the world won’t change and I’m not hoping for everything to be sunshine and rainbows.
I guess it kind of sucks because I’m always told not to freak out about things and be happy but then I’m told to be realistic and not do x, y, and z. It’s like “do what you love, but not that thing!” I’m a realistic person, really, but I like to dream. So now I’m caught in the middle because I’m either scolded for being too optimistic or too pessimistic. It makes it hard to just kind of be happy… if that makes any sense at all. With all this pressure… especially since my best friend is grade-crazy and is already going crazy about school and it hasn’t even started. I think some of her stress is definitely getting to me.
I dream big. I just don’t have anyone to express and be excited about those dreams to so.. I would love to be on a stage. Of course to be realistic, I don’t expect to be the next Katy Perry or Rihanna. I would just like to be an appreciated artist professionally.
I don’t know, I don’t feel like I’m asking for much, but I don’t live in the real world yet. And I can complain and talk about what I want to be the reality of it is that I don’t pay my own bills or live on my own..
I can't talk to anyone about this because no one I know thinks the way I do... I've tried explaining it but I can never say enough to describe how I feel.. I don't know, I just feel very alone. I feel like the only way to not freak myself is to "get over it," as if it were that easy. I shouldn’t be freaking out about this as much as I am, but again I’m always caught in the middle.

Answer 1

Why not go to college and double major in Music Studies and something else that you enjoy learning about that might be applied to a variety of different fields, maybe Psychology or Sociology or Anthropology (I suggest those because it seems that your interests lie in that area)? I firmly believe in pursuing your dreams. I go to an arts high school and I fully intend to spend a part of my life practicing my art. However, there is no harm in learning more; it can only help you. Not only will you learn more about music (if you get the right program, you can also learn about the music business and promoting yourself, which is essential), you will have a usable skill that you are interested so that you can pursue different paths in life. No one should limit themselves to one thing, whether the thing is practical or impractical.



In regards to your existential crisis, it is true that much of the stuff we do is really to keep ourselves busy. That is also something that frustrates me to no end. However, rather than worrying too much about how it affects the whole world, try to live a lifestyle that focuses on the things that are truly important to you. While this will be difficult, it is possible if you really devote yourself to it. Know that perfect bliss/enlightenment/living in balance and harmony will be fleeting, and much of your life will be consumed with things beyond your control, but try your best to work towards this harmony. Just keeping it in mind, the "could-be," is more than most people do in a lifetime. And share your desire for simple living with your friends and family. They may see the virtue in it as well.



As for the end of the world, I don't believe that the world will end in some giant conflagration of terror. We as a species may die off, or we may not for a long time. A meteor may come and obliterate much of the life here, but life is incredibly resilient and will regenerate again. The only thing that would truly "end the world" (by that I suppose you mean for life to cease) is for our solid iron core to stop spinning, for our orbit to change drastically, or for the sun to die, and those three things are highly unlikely in any sort of near future.

Answer 2

This may not be a direct answer to your question, but you sound very intelligent for a high school student, and in my experience, and from my reading, intelligent people tend to go through existential crises much more than other people. Don't feel like you're alone -- there are a lot of us out here! (Many famous philosophers, writers, artists, and musicians, as well as many ordinary people. But I guess you know that.)



(I'm 63, and my life has been one long existential crisis! And I don't have the consolation of some artistic ability to ameliorate the frustration.)



Just hang in there and see if you can maybe use your feelings of alienation and confusion to further your art. (I know, it's easy to say, but maybe it's the only solution.) HTH and good luck! :)

Answer 3

Do you realize how many kids have big dreams like you? Do you know how hard it is to 'make it' in show business? A college diploma is not just a piece of paper. You are just a kid with big dreams... and not very realistic ones at that. I wish you luck, but I think you need a more realistic view of life.