Big problem with my beliefs at the moment about marriage/affairs/sex/culture?

Question

Please don't judge or criticise, I just need help from people with open minds, I thought I might get some here.

So I am in a strange situation. I am in love with this guy who is a muslim African from South Africa and he is used to being in polyamorous situations with numerous people at the same time.

He is about to get married to a person he has had a somewhat tribal engagement to for the past fifteen years - he's 37 now and I'm 28. He says that he loves me, but he can't offer me anything because he has to get married to this woman.

Even though he is about to get married he still has flings with women on the side and I suppose will continue to do so during his marriage.

We have never been intimate with each other and he says that he didn't think of me as a fling and loves me. He says that he doesn't want to ruin my life by dragging me into a situation like that with him, even though I know he wants that to happen between us - he has often jokingly suggested it, I suppose to gauge my reaction.

Everything that I believe about marriage - what I have learned from growing up in a Western Culture - all about having one partner for life and so on is changing a lot lately. I don't even know if I believe in monogamy anymore.

I initially begged him not to get married and to be with me, but he said he would be ostracised from his community if he didn't and lose his friends and family.

I was getting distraught, so last night I told him that I understand his situation, I support him and that he should get married in this tribal wedding thing if that's what he wants, but that I was still open to a sexual relationship with him. I said that the fact that he is engaged or married shouldn't mean that we can't be together sexually and that I don't believe anyone belongs to anyone else. He hasn't responded to me yet.

I know this is bad in western terms, but I am dealing with a completely different culture and belief system here. So before you criticise you need to understand that. Even if I can't marry him, I still want to be with him in some way. He is the love of my life and to think about not seeing him again makes me sick.

Can someone with an open mind tell me what I should be doing in this situation. I am completely upset and lost and out of my depth culturally and morally.

I am fully aware of the fact that it would be hurtful to his wife for him to sleep with someone else, but in this society it is normal and expected of men to have numerous partners.

I am so confused about what is right and wrong and what I believe. Any guidance at all would be really helpful.

Answer 1

You should do with what you agree. It sounds like you are feeling guilty for not wanting a monogamous relationship (which you shouldn't). It sounds like you just need some time to think about what you want.



If I was you I would still have a sexual relationship with him because I love him (I would make sure he is clean though, just saying).



I think what you did here was a good decision: (but that's just my personal bias)



I was getting distraught, so last night I told him that I understand his situation, I support him and that he should get married in this tribal wedding thing if that's what he wants, but that I was still open to a sexual relationship with him. I said that the fact that he is engaged or married shouldn't mean that we can't be together sexually and that I don't believe anyone belongs to anyone else. He hasn't responded to me yet.



Also, I would make sure (somewhere down the line) that his wife knows. Although a sexual relationship may be fulfilling at first, it won't always be the case. Loving someone involves many things (I'm sure you know, I'm not going to say it here as if I know everything about life). So in the future it may be unhealthy for you, in which case, I would recommend you to not focus on this issue (your future relationship) or stress about it.



Lastly, I'd like to add that I have grown up in a Western culture and don't think there is anything wrong with polygamy (as long as no one is being prematurely forced into it).



Best of luck :)

Answer 2

It seems like you are enthralled. If he is the love of your life as you say, are you the love of his life? If so he would not get married to another woman, western culture or African culture. Just my belief. This is such a tough situation, obviously. I hope something makes sense in your brain and you do what make you happy without destroying yourself over someone who, if he gets married, can never fully be yours in a marital sense. If you purely want a sexual relationship then I think everything will work out. The only thing is later down the road you might want more, I mean you were raised in the US I believe and relationships being public is a huge deal. Eventually you might feel unworthy because you are only sex to him as he will have to have a family.

Answer 3

Marriage really is about commitment and loyalty, you already know this. But is serves many other purposes....stabilty, rest, security taht you need for[strength, 'oneness' with someone ....]not to mention a deeper personal growth because you have only yourself to be seaching your heart[another topic]. This cannot be accomplished when there is more than one other person in the relationship. There has to be a balance between what is going on in your heart, and what you know to be right

I am sure you also know that God does not 'agree' with 'culture'. If something is wrong in this culture, it is wrong in any culture....and He will not bless this....you will be reaping what you sow.



Dont get me wrong, i feel for you. But it can NEVER ever work. You cannot live like this the rest of your life....not only that, in time, you will come to DEEPLY resent this man, and it will become a complete embarrassment to you and you family.

His priority is NOT you, nor the things of God....but 'culture'. And this you will not break for him.



I know hindsight is 20/20....but just put yourself 2 years from now.....what you got?? NOTHING, but regret, and your self worth ruined by going against your own 'cultural' and personal belief .

You will lose yourself.

You know this isnt right....now you just need to fast forward to the future and look wht this has brought you.

Also remember, he is just not that into you....he has proved it. He is wasting your youth and strenght.....and you will not be enough for him either...and can you live with someone jsut wanting sex from you, and taking your soul?

Answer 4

first of all, It's kinda sad to see someone trying to get advice off of random people on the interweb about this kind of thing, but I do have some advice so keep reading. Second, you can't keep thinking about your feelings in the present. You got to look into the future. If you act upon every feeling you get, you'll try to marry every guy you think is cute. You need to not just keep your mind in the present, but also, in your past experiences, and what the future might look like. I had a relative marry a muslim just like that. It turned out ugly for her. She was forced to live a limited life, and her daughter ended up marrying her half-brother. Yeah, no joke.

Answer 5

Go with what feels RIGHT, not what feels GOOD. Yes, in his society they have that belief system. But this is not his society. In America, generally you stick with one person at a time. And if you're uncomfortable AT ALL with his beliefs, then they probably aren't right for you. I would recommend falling in love with someone else. I realize that might seem a bit harsh, but the truth is, there's no such thing as "the love of your life" because an emotionally healthy person can get over anything and love again. So I would suggest that you stop dating him, sleeping with him, or anything else of that nature, and find someone who can give you the whole-hearted, undivided attention you deserve.

Answer 6

In order to help you, allow me to bring up something that was in the news this week. In the mid to late 1960's there was a counterculture figure named Charles Manson. He was somehow very mesmerizing, especially to young women. He was intimate with many of them, and they all (like you) couldn't imagine him not being in their life. His influence over them and over some young men as well was so powerful that, even though none of these young people had ever contemplated killing anyone before, on Charles Manson's order, they commited murder. Charles Manson himself is in prison for the rest of his life, but some of his followers have recently been released. I read an account of one of them, a woman, and she described having feelings for Manson much like you describe for this guy from South Africa. But what does she feel today? Utter disbelief that she could have been so duped.



I'm not implying that your South Africa friend may be anything like Charles Manson, that's extremely unlikely. But it does sound like he's used to having a very good life in terms of having many women. When you think about it from an OBJECTIVE viewpoint, isn't his arrangement totally in his favor? Isn't it the best possible world for him? Perhaps his society is run by males who are used to having the best possible world that a guy could have: in the words of George Costanza from the comedy show Seinfeld, "sex without dating". The reason that line was funny is because it's what every man in Western society dreams about.



Your attachment to this guy is not wrong in itself. He may have many great and attractive qualities. But maybe instead of you adapting to his society and culture (which I think is likely to come someday to a bad result for you), he needs to adapt to your society in order for you to know that he can't be without you. A one-sided relationship can only work for you if you can truly say that for the rest of your life, you can share this guy with many other women. The key words are: FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.



I wish you the best in this situation. I've experienced the hurt of love, and it is possible to recuperate and live life again and enjoy it.

Answer 7

You're mixing up ideas about a different culture with the fact that this is a guy who wants to get in your pants and sacrifice nothing of his life path to accomplish that. In other words, it the old story of a guy who "wants his cake and wants to eat it too". Nothing exotic or wonderful about it.



You're wasting your time. Move on to someone who puts you first and not a guy where you're just one of many (and many more in the future, I bet). You deserve more than he has to offer!! : /

Answer 8

If you are sexually active, i.e. not virginal, do some self-inventory as to the effect of partners re your sense of who you are, your "innocence" or "inner sense" of childlike joy, love, honesty, and the like. If you are able to note an increasing trend of blurring of partners, that should inform you that you'd do well to cut back and wait for sex in marriage, monogamy. If this is the case, kindly read a copy of Shaunti Feldhahn's "For Women Only." (If perchance at 28 you're a virgin, don't have sex before marriage.)



If you are unable to trust your own STD status (i.e., you haven't had a medical exam for this), and don't know his, be very dubious about acquiring STDs from someone who's slept around and may be infected. Many STDs are more life-threatening for women, and scarcely notable with guys.



If you are interested in a stable marriage relationship with children, be aware that each sexual partner you engage leaves a semi-permanent record competing for your innermost feelings, hence making deeper connection with your future husband more difficult in sexual act/fact, even if somewhat superficially denied before and after.



As of last night, you are open to sexual congress with him, and stated your openness. This is a "no-brainer" for many men, even of course those in a "culture" which discounts sexual fidelity. You are obviously in lust, if not in love, with his to you powerful sexuality. You are not as confused as you are claiming? You would like to have sexual intercourse with him, because you desire it with him. What is right is a) protecting your health; b) protecting your future if any husband's priority interest in you. You would like to have sex with him. If a) and b) are promoted, fine. I.e., if he will marry you, and be faithful to you, that's helpful for your own inner sense; otherwise, being one f-ck partner in a more synthetic social-ism is not keeping nor championing your soul, which is your inner child, and which is better promoted in a stable, more longterm intimate father-mother procreative dynamic. Breaking apart oxytocin/endorphin sexual and soul ties is distressing, as would be the loss of a loved parent for the inner sense which is one's inner child/soul.



In any case, "Soul Mates and Twin Flames," Elizabeth Clare Prophet, and

"Transcendent Sex," Jenny Wade, would be good.



Reviews at http://www.amazon.com



Also worth calling for clarification: a licensed counseling line available 24/7: 1-800-525-Love http://www.klove.com is their general website.

Answer 9

Ultimately, it is your choice. You know and understand him that he this man and that. We already know that his relationship with women is not going to end with you. He might find another woman while you two are in the process of your marriage. If you are comfortable with that ....your choice. You must be in complete Comfort zone before you regret anything. Take care